The Reality Is, I’m Not Who I Wish I Was

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Lately I have felt a little on edge. I am someone who needs a good daily routine or I start to feel a bit undone. I think I am going to blame this on Netflix. I can’t be the only one who binge watches a newly discovered TV show, right?

Inevitably I have found myself staying up later than I should, but doing it anyways because, come on! I just won’t be able to sleep unless I know what happens in the next episode…and probably the episode after that too! Ugh, it’s a vicious cycle really. I will go months without caring for a single show on Netflix and then BAM! Out of nowhere I get sucked in and my whole life begins to suffer the consequences.

Anyways, my days over the past week have felt a little sloppy.

The girls seem to be waking up earlier and earlier. And, for the love of why, they are always so noisy when they wake up. It drives me crazy.

I wish I was that kind of mom who could say she wakes up feeling ready to conquer the day yet again. And just can’t wait to skip down the hall to get my beautiful babies out of bed. That just sounds so nice in my head.

And, of course we have Jemma. Sweet baby Jemma. She melts my heart but she has seemed to hit the teething stage. I don’t think any parent can really prepare themselves for the emotional rollercoaster that teething takes you on. One minute she is happy and sleeping so sweetly. And before you know it she is back to waking up multiple times throughout the night because she is “hungry” – aka I want to chew on your boob and make you feel the kind of pain I am!

I so wish I was that kind of mom who wakes up in the middle of the night to her crying baby and doesn’t have the slightest desire to just sink back in her bed in hopes that her baby would just work it out on their own. And, it would be so nice that if in these late night moments all I could think about was how incredibly blessed I am to have this sweet, precious baby curled up in my arms.

Instead, I typically grab my phone while nursing late at night. I am only hoping I can find something to hold my attention long enough to keep me from falling asleep or from having my baby fall off my lap.


And then there is just everything else I wish I was on a daily basis right now.

I wish I was that wife who could just melt in her husband’s arms as he caresses her skin. Or give really awesome back rubs.

But I’m not. And I don’t.

I have extremely sensitive skin, and pathetically weak hands.

I wish I was that wife and mom who just turns into a cooking goddess when I am in the kitchen. Or, that woman who can take $50 in grocery money and return home with $200 worth of food.

But I’m not. And I don’t.

I cook basic meals and am easily overwhelmed at the grocery store. I take time to prepare a list and design a menu for the week, yet I come home still feeling defeated.

I really, really wish I was that woman who has the patience of Mother Theresa, and doesn’t struggle with anger.

But I don’t. And I do.

There is just something about poopy diapers, whiney children and constantly repeating the same things on a daily basis that can really get under a person’s skin.

There are about 101 more things I could go on to say, but I don’t want to sound too desperate here.

I know every woman, every wife, every mom can relate to me on some level here. So I know this is not just about me and my shortcomings.

For me, this is about letting you all know I live a life where I struggle on a daily basis with the chaos going on in my head telling me I need to be different. And I know I’m not alone.

I think deep down inside we all want to be the best version of ourselves as we can, but we start to feel inadequate when we see someone else excelling at those very things we are struggling to grab ahold of. It’s just reality I suppose. You know – to see what someone else has, or is, and think you are somehow missing the mark.

It doesn’t have to be like that though. I don’t think at least.

When I go through moments like these – where my reality seems so mediocre compared to my endless daydreams – I have to reevaluate where my heart is opposed to where my head is. In my head I am nothing short of a subpar version of what I should be. But, in my heart I know I am exactly who God created me to be.

And, I encourage you to do the same.

Let’s not waste our precious time wishing we are something we are not. That doesn’t mean you can’t strive to be better today than you were yesterday. But, it means looking at the things you aren’t and knowing those things do not diminish what you are.

Because, what you are is something so SO much more than what you aren’t.

You are so beautifully designed that there is no one better at being you than YOU.

You are always changing, always striving, and always one step closer to unlocking more of your potential.

So, don’t get stuck on where you aren’t yet. Faithfully believe in your heart that you are exactly what this world needs. You are exactly what your family needs. And, in this moment you are exactly where you are suppose to be.

And, if by any means you have a stirring deep down inside that you just can’t tell yourself all that, then do WHATEVER it takes to be that person you need to be.



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I'm a stay-at-home wife and mommy. I am a country girl at heart and want a small farm some day. I enjoy reading and writing - usually done while my girls are sleeping! I like to clean and organize but I can't always keep up with my own house, so I am learning to accept the "little" messes of life.


  1. Jamal

    November 12, 2015 at 5:00 am

    YOU KILLED THIS!!!!!!! Forwarding this over to Natasha now. So encouraging, so real, and so now!

    • Jordan Palizay

      January 22, 2016 at 8:34 pm

      *Thanks Jamal! I always appreciate the encouragement, and I really hope Natasha enjoyed the read!

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